that funny background leader in my head
that I sometimes ignore
intuition

although I’ve been putting more effort into listening,
to doing what it tells me to, sometimes
my emotions rise up and take over my mind.
I lose myself and forget how to read what it is I really need.

I turn around, walk by, let the door close.
say forget it, say it’ll be fine.
look myself in the eyes, look myself in the mirror
and tell myself lies.

I forget I’m alive. I forget I’m just a body, a fleshy beauty
with so much more inside. I forget that, and look for other people –
other reasons to make me feel bigger. to make me believe that I’m here.

I look for that recognition, validation, hesitation, miscommunication.
instead of that –
I’m working on normalizing looking within me. looking myself in the eyes, looking myself in the mirror
and seeing that I just need time. taking time. letting time take its course. without force.

i’m working on myself. what are you up to?